When “Just Let Them Feel Their Feelings” Isn’t Enough

There is a phrase I hear often in early childhood spaces:

“Just let them have their feelings.”

And I agree.

Mostly.

Children are allowed to be angry.

They are allowed to be disappointed when it is time to leave the playground. They are allowed to cry because someone else has the toy they wanted. They are allowed to be frustrated when their block tower falls down for the third time.

Children do not need us to make every uncomfortable feeling disappear.

But somewhere along the way, I think we started confusing making space for children’s emotions with stepping out of the way entirely.

Because a child can be allowed to feel angry while still needing me to stop them from hitting.

A child can be devastated that outdoor time is over while still needing to come inside.

A child can be completely overwhelmed and still need an adult beside them to help carry something they do not yet know how to carry alone.

That is where co-regulation comes in.

Feelings Are Allowed. Not Every Behaviour Is.

This is where conversations about emotional regulation can get complicated.

We want children to know that their emotions are safe with us. We do not want them to learn that anger is “bad,” that crying is something to be embarrassed about, or that difficult feelings need to disappear as quickly as possible.

But accepting an emotion does not mean accepting every behaviour that comes with it.

“You can be angry. I won’t let you hit.”

Both things can be true at the same time.

The feeling is not the problem.

The behaviour may still need a boundary.

And that boundary does not have to be angry, threatening, or punitive. It can simply be the adult stepping in and saying, through both our words and our actions:

I see that this is hard. I am still going to keep you and everyone around you safe.

That is not shutting down the emotion.

That is helping contain it.

Children Are Still Learning How to Carry Big Feelings

As adults, we sometimes forget just how much goes into regulation.

We notice our frustration building. We recognize the feeling. We understand what caused it. We know that throwing the chair probably will not improve the situation.

And even with decades of practice, adults are not exactly famous for regulating ourselves perfectly.

Now imagine being three.

Your body is hot. Someone took the truck you were playing with. Your chest feels tight. You want it back right now, and you do not yet have all the language, impulse control, perspective, or experience to know what to do with everything happening inside you.

Then an adult says:

“Use your words.”

But what words?

Sometimes the skill we are asking a child to use is the very skill they are still trying to learn.

That is why simply allowing the feeling isn't always enough.

Children need opportunities to experience difficult emotions, but they also need adults who can help them make sense of those experiences.

Someone to name what might be happening.

Someone to slow the moment down.

Someone to model what regulation can look like.

Someone to hold the boundary when they cannot hold it themselves.

Co-Regulation Is Active

I used to think of co-regulation as mostly comforting.

A calm voice. A hug. Deep breaths. Sitting beside a child until the storm passes.

And sometimes it absolutely looks like that.

But I am learning that co-regulation can also look like stepping between two children.

Moving an object that is about to be thrown.

Using less language because a child cannot process a long explanation right now.

Giving space while remaining close.

Helping a child leave an overwhelming environment.

Repeating the same calm boundary for what feels like the hundredth time.

Sometimes co-regulation is soft.

Sometimes it is firm.

Usually, it is both.

The goal is not to control the child’s emotion.

The goal is to stay steady enough that they don't have to navigate it entirely on their own.

And Then There Is Us

This is the part that I think deserves more attention.

Co-regulation requires a regulated adult.

Or, perhaps more realistically, an adult who is at least trying to regulate themselves.

And that can be incredibly difficult.

There might be fifteen other children in the room.

Someone needs help in the bathroom.

Another child is crying.

The room is loud.

Lunch is late.

Your co-educator needs you.

You have repeated the same boundary six times.

And now a child has hit another child.

In those moments, “stay calm” can feel almost laughably simple.

Educators have nervous systems too.

We become overwhelmed. We become frustrated. We have moments where our voices become shorter than we intended. Sometimes we respond quickly because safety requires it. Sometimes we replay an interaction later and think about how we could have handled it differently.

I do.

And I think pretending otherwise makes conversations about co-regulation less useful.

Because co-regulation is not about becoming an endlessly patient adult who never gets triggered.

It is about noticing ourselves too.

Sometimes the first nervous system I need to regulate in the room is my own.

Boundaries Can Be Part of Connection

There is an idea I keep returning to in my own practice:

Children deserve adults who are both safe and predictable.

They deserve to know that their feelings will not scare us away.

But they also deserve to know that when their feelings become too big for them to manage safely, we will step in.

Not to punish the feeling.

Not to shame them for losing control.

But because they are still learning.

A boundary can say:

I am here.

I see you.

I know this is hard.

And I am not going to let you hurt yourself or someone else while we figure it out.

There is something deeply relational about that.

We are not abandoning children inside their hardest moments.

We are showing them that even when their emotions become messy, loud, inconvenient, or uncomfortable, the relationship remains.

Beneath the Surface

Maybe “let them have their feelings” was never supposed to mean do nothing.

Maybe it was supposed to remind us not to rush children out of discomfort simply because their emotions make the adults around them uncomfortable.

Let the sadness exist.

Let the anger exist.

Let the disappointment exist.

But stay.

Guide.

Protect.

Model.

Help them find the words when they cannot find them themselves.

Hold the boundary when they cannot hold it yet.

Because children do not learn regulation by never becoming dysregulated.

They learn it through hundreds of moments when something feels too big, and someone they trust helps them discover that they can move through it.

Eventually, the support we provide on the outside begins to grow on the inside.

Another invisible root.

Another skill quietly developing beneath the surface.

And perhaps that is what co-regulation really is.

Not removing the storm.

Just making sure a child does not have to weather it alone.

A Question to Carry With You

The next time a child is having a big feeling, instead of asking:

How do I get them to calm down?

Maybe we can ask:

What does this child need from me while they learn how to carry this feeling?

Until next time,

Jess
Little Mycelium